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Wed Apr 21, 2010 11:48 am by Norwood

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Shadow
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PostSubject: Funnies   Fri Mar 05, 2010 4:42 pm

+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Norway, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
The Norwegians are out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Norwegians plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Norwegians are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Oslofjord gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Norwegians have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Norwegians start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Norwegians end their Midsummer celebrations.
Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face
of the earth.
The Norwegians start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Norwegians stand in line at the hotdog stands.

-50°C / -58°F > Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Norwegian army postpones their winter survival training
awaiting real winter.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Norwegian army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Norwegian cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F
ALL atom-based movent halts.
The Norwegians start saying "Faen, it's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over, Norway wins the Eurovision Song Contest.
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Fri Mar 05, 2010 4:50 pm

Gripe sheet:

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Mon Mar 08, 2010 6:20 am

A Bear and a Rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The Bear turns to the Rabbit and in a polite inquiring voice asks: "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit looks up and says "No, why?"
The bear wipes his arse with the rabbit.
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Tue Mar 09, 2010 6:45 pm

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: ! Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!





Redneck Driver's License Application


Last name: ________________
First name (check appropriate box):


[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth-Ann
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed
[_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________
Lover's Name: ____________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)


Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed
Model of your pickup: _____________
Year pickup produced: 194____

Do you have a gun rack?


[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] MAXIM
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:


[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:


[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

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PostSubject: Cake Or Bed?   Sat Mar 13, 2010 10:26 am

A Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife
Interrupts,honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been
Flickering For Weeks Now.

He Looks At Her And Says Angrily; Fix The Light, Now? Does It Look Like I
Have A G.e. Logo Printed On My Forehead? I Don't Think So!

The Wife Asks, Well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door? It Won't Close
Right.

To Which He Replied, Fix The Fridge Door? Does It Look Like I Have
Westinghouse Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So.

Fine, She Says Then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door?
They're About To Break.

I'm Not A Damn Carpenter And I Don't Want To Fix Steps, He Says. Does It
Look Like I Have Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So. I've Had Enough Of You.
I'm Going To The Bar!!!
So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours. He Starts To Feel
Guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home And Help Out.
As He Walks Into The House He Notices The Steps Are Already Fixed.
As He Enters The House, He Sees The Hall Light Is Working.. As He Goes To
Get A Beer, He Notices The Fridge Door Is Fixed.'honey, He Asks, How'd All This
Get Fixed?

She Said, Well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried. Just Then A Nice
Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him. He Offered To Do All The
Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.

He Said, So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake Him?

She Replied, Hellooooo.......do You See Betty Crocker Written On My
Forehead? I Don't Think So!

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PostSubject: Male or female????   Sat Mar 13, 2010 10:29 am

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually indicate it did not pay attention to your question.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?

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PostSubject: IT vs. Sales   Sat Mar 13, 2010 10:33 am

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon hovering about 30 feet above a field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do", replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but is of no use to me."

The man below says, "you must work in sales."

"I do", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well, you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were in before we met, but now, it's my fault."

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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:22 am

Dear Tech Support:
> Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to
> Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program
> began unexpected child processing that took up
> a lot of space and valuable resources. No
> mention of this phenomenon was included in the
> product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0
> installs itself into all other programs and
> launches during system initialization,
> where it monitors all other system activity.
> Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken
> Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no
> longer run, crashing the system whenever
> selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in
> the background while attempting to run some of
> my other favorite applications. I am thinking
> about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the
> uninstall does not work on this program.
> Can you help me, please!!!
> Thanks, A TROUBLED USER

Dear TROUBLED USER:
This is a very common problem men complain
about but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea
that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES &
ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its
creator to run everything. It is unlikely
you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and
still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.
Hidden operating files within your system
would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate
Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is
impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge
the program files from the system once
installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend
7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do
this. Some have tried to install
Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with
more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under
"Warnings-Alimony/Child Support".
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal
with the situation. I suggest installing
background application program C:\YES DEAR to
alleviate software augmentation. Having
Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest
you read the entire section regarding General
Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all
responsibility for faults and problems that
might occur, regardless of their cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE.
In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR
because ultimately you will have to give
the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system
will return to normal. The system will run
smoothly as long as you take the blame for all
the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but
very high maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve
the performance of Wife 1.0.
-- I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.
Do not, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not
a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is
likely to cause irreversible damage to the
operating system.
Best of luck.
Tech Support.

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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:30 am

Sitting together on a train was Barack Obama, George W..Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts..
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him..

The blonde girl thinks:

Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:

Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again!


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Smurf Porn is like a US airstrike: Its all Blue on Blue

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently youtube twitter and facebook are merging!!! its gonna be called youtwitface.

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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Tue Mar 16, 2010 12:55 pm

I just love these japanese tv shows ;)
http://www.kossan.se/roliga-filmer/japansk_tvshow_.htm
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Tue Mar 16, 2010 5:01 pm

I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again!
LMAO

As many times as we yanks have left home and hearth and sailed, sorry Storm I meant to say paddled, across the pond to save Europe from socialism, communism and tyranny this is the thanks we get?! Why have you guys not sailed/paddled over here and invaded Washington DC to save us? ;-)
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PostSubject: Assassin Test   Wed Mar 17, 2010 2:23 pm

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the
background checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were
three finalists... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the
CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter
what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your
wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my
wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun
and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I
can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife
and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went
into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They
heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few
minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This
gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the
chair."

Moral of the Story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

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PostSubject: Angry Wives   Wed Mar 17, 2010 2:30 pm

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "

That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Wed Mar 17, 2010 2:39 pm

LOL@Angel...
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Thu Mar 18, 2010 10:36 pm

Sorry guys I thought I was joining this clan. R O T F L O L
http://www.aspforum.co.nr/
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Fri Mar 19, 2010 6:36 am

Norwood wrote:
Sorry guys I thought I was joining this clan. R O T F L O L
http://www.aspforum.co.nr/

LOL
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PostSubject: Tim Wilson - But I could be wrong.   Fri Mar 19, 2010 3:20 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2VE_tRbCwc


@moderators: My bad, please move to funnies.

@All: Given our sense of humor should this forum be public? ;-)
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PostSubject: Deaf-Mute Sex   Sun Mar 28, 2010 12:22 pm

A young deaf-mute couple gets married. At first, they have sex with the lights on, in order to sign to each other.

One day, the woman asks, "Can we try to make love with the lights off?"

The man says, "OK, but how will you know when I want to make love?"

The woman says, "Well, when you're in the mood, just shake my left breast once, and I'll know. If you don't want to, shake my right breast once."

The man says, "All right. And if you want to make love to me, shake my penis once, if you do not want to make love to me, shake my penis about 50 times."

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PostSubject: Shadow the Fighter Pilot   Sun Mar 28, 2010 12:31 pm

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Angel leans over to Shadow the fighter pilot and says, "Shadow, kiss me!" He grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Angel's lips.

"What are you doing, Shadow?" asks the startled Angel.

"I am Shadow the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles, and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up. Angel says, "Shadow, kiss me lower." He tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Shadow, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Angel.

"I am Shadow the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude. Angel leans close to his ear and whispers, "Shadow, kiss me lower!"

Shadow rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Angel shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Angel throws her arms up and screams furiously, "Shadow, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Shadow stands up defiantly and says, "I am Shadow the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Sun Mar 28, 2010 12:48 pm

HAHAHA
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Sun Mar 28, 2010 5:46 pm

!
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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Wed Mar 31, 2010 5:14 pm

I knew Cognac had a secondary purpose

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


As candidates for Undergraduate Pilot Training, you will be required to memorize the following:


Rules Of The Air

Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of
arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

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PostSubject: Re: Funnies   Fri Apr 09, 2010 12:12 pm

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PostSubject: A Few Good Lawyers   Sun Apr 11, 2010 11:35 am

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

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PostSubject: Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin   Sun Apr 11, 2010 11:45 am

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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